Sunday Blog 255 – 18th October 2026
It was another one of those “stop the pod” moments for me this week, listening to the episode of A Slight Change of Plans where Amir Lavine spoke about his latest book on attachment styles; Secure.
In extreme summary, there are four attachment styles;
anxious (craving closeness but fearing rejection), avoidant (preferring independence over closeness), fearful avoidant (a mix of the two), and secure (comfortable with closeness and easygoing.
Amir Lavine, Secure, Author’s note.
A first epiphany moment came for me in his discussion of dandelions and orchids. Dandelions are able to grow anywhere, even when their life circumstances are difficult.
Orchids differ from the dandelions of this world as they require careful nurture to thrive. If an orchid is given a lucky break; perhaps a nurturing teacher, or a change of schools, or a parent of a friend who fills a parental gap; they will thrive. A dandelion however will not flourish any more no matter what extra opportunities are thrown their way.
How often this mystery of human resilience has puzzled me. Why do some people thrive no matter how precarious or traumatic their childhood was, while others do not? Could this be part of the picture?
But the real pod-stopping moment came for me when Levine talked about how his ongoing research has revealed that our attachment styles are not fixed by our childhoods.
“Attachment starts when we’re born and it ends when we die,” he says.
Also, he clarifies that attachment varies depending on the person. You may for example be securely attached to your mother and insecurely attached to your father. The inference of all this is we can cultivate a more secure attachment style for ourselves by carefully nurturing friendships and connections with securely attached people who truly support us. While we humans can be wired to chase the avoidant type, we can override this and instead seek connection with the perhaps less exciting, but more nurturing securely attached friends. It is never too late to re-negotiate how we operate in the world.
That my Sunday message of hope to you, all the way from Bathurst in New South Wales where I happen to be staying tonight. I’ll see you next Sunday.